Joking Jester

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Comment by Rob on June 25, 2010 at 4:55pm

Paddy's and Murphy's Pigs
Paddy and Murphy went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Murphy and said, "Murphy, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

Murphy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine for a couple of weeks until Paddy stormed into the house.

"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Well Paddy," said Murphy, "I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs and only one of them will av one ear."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

Again this worked OK until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.

"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the other ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears! How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Ah, tis is serious," said Murphy, "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail off my pig, ten we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one with a tail."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

"Murphy!" shouted Paddy, "Your pig has chewed the tail off my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! How are we ever gonna tell 'em apart?"

"Ah, fook it!" says Murphy, "How about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?"

Comment by Rob on May 14, 2010 at 10:43am

Things that make you go hmmm...


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear get dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

30. My check engine light has been on for three months now and nothing's happened. I'm starting to think that my car is just an attention getter .

31. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

32. Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness.

33. My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."

34. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

35. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.

36. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

37. I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"

38. I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwards?

39. Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

Comment by Rob on March 15, 2010 at 10:31am

CHICKEN FARMER:


A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.


The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"


"What a coincidence" said the farmer, "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating."


"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.


"What a coincidence," said the farmer, as they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"


"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"


"What a coincidence," said the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."


"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.


The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence."

Comment by Rob on March 4, 2010 at 9:50am

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician
did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw
the shows each week and began to understand how the
magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle
of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look,
he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship
unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece
of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would
have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days. and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any
longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the f#ckin' ship?"

Comment by Rob on December 11, 2009 at 10:02am

Some Philosophy, not sure who phil is though but i think he's on to something!!!

Thanks Mr Gyngell

Comment by Rob on December 11, 2009 at 10:00am

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.



He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.


10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18.. Procrastinate Now!


19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.



24..H e who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Comment by Rob on August 18, 2009 at 10:56am

Golf and Genie

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf...

Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed:

"I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said:

"Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.



A man reclining on the couch asked:

"Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh ... yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that..." the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you ... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."



"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out:

"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem..." said the genie:

"...You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world." she said.

"Consider it done..." the genie said.

"...And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now..." the couple asked in unison:

"...What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said:

"Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"



She mulled it over for a few moments and said:

"You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart..." said the husband.

"...I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked:

"How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both thirty-five..." she responded breathlessly.

"NO S**t..." he said:





"Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?!!!!!!”

Comment by Rob on August 13, 2009 at 10:04am

*HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?*
>
>
> *This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely
> true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.*
>
>
> *HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT**?*
>
>
> *You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe
> this!!! *
> *It is from an orthopedic surgeon................This will boggle your mind
> *
> *and it will keep you trying **over and over again to see if you can
> outsmart *
> *your foot, but, you can't. **It's pre-programmed in your brain**!*
>
> *1).** **Without anyone watching you (they will think you are
> **GOOFY**....)
> and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right
> foot off the floor and make** **clockwise** **circles.*
>
>
> *2). Now, while doing this, draw the number '**6**'** in the air with
> your right hand.*
>
> * Your foot **will** **change direction**.*
>
> *I told you so**!!! *
>
> *And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it
> is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not
> already done so.*
>
> *Send it to your friends to frustrate them
> too.*
>
>
>
>
>

Comment by Rob on August 13, 2009 at 9:43am

HOW TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR WINE STAYS GOOD :

1 Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.

2 If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

Comment by Rob on August 13, 2009 at 9:43am

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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